Capricious Justice is best served Laughing
by DurielZamoran
Summary: Orphaner Dualscar's failed kismesissitude with the Marquise lead to him seeking help from the capricious, sanguinary and above all absolutely dangeorus leader of the Subjugglator's. He has a simple request. Tell a Joke, or Die.


A\N: So this is the first thing I've uploaded in at least a year I believe. It's certainly not the first thing I've written in that time, but hey.

I recently did a complete archive-binge of Homestuck, and I was struck by the story of how Orphaner Dualscar met his end. I thought I would take a crack at illustrating the events that led to his demise. Partly inspired by the (nsfw) webcomic OGLAF. Anyone's whose read it will probably see a small reference.

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The Grand Highblood was as intimidating and imposing as the rumours suggested he would be. His wild hair seemed to hover around him like tendrils of a particularly nasty plant, his face marred by white makeup and his long spiralling horns gave him a particularly menacing air.

Before him stood a troll feared and known throughout the land and seas. 'Orphaner' Dualscar, a potent title for a man who made a hobby of killing other troll's lusii in order to feed the Empress's own lusus, the speaker of the Vast Glub, Gl'bgolyb.

The Grand Highblood regarded him with a disinterested eye. The colourful mural around him seemed almost cheerful… if it weren't for the fact that it was painted out of other troll's blood. The only colour he hadn't painted with was the Royal Empress Fuchsia, or his own, Subjugglator Purple.

That Dualscar came to him was amusing. The Orphaner had a rather hefty bounty, for… well, orphaning. But the Highblood was notoriously capricious, as were all Subjugglators. It was this quality, and their propensity and skill for ultra violence, that had led to their position in the social hierarchy.

"Grand Highblood…" The Nautical Troll began, in his strange and yet slightly amusing accent. The Highblood began a mental count of 'points' in his head. He did this with everyone who came before him. Fail to score highly enough, and he would punish them. The lightest punishment was death. The grandest punishment was not granting their request. In between, there was death of friends and family, death of lusii, death of acquaintances, and death followed by a light reprimand. In that order.

Justice, as decided by the Grand Highblood, was as capricious as he was.

Dualscar coughed into his hand, slightly nervous. Nervousness. The Grand Highblood studied his face. Sometimes nervousness netted his guest extra points. Sometimes those points were negative. For Dualscar, he mused, it was a negative.

-5 points. Not a good start for the Orphaner. Orphaner. Orphaner was a great title. +15 points.

"I havve come, to present to you the location of Marquise Spinneret Mindfang an' leader of the Gam8lignants," Ah. Orphaner's strange accent. It was… slightly amusing. +5 points. So longwinded. -10 points.

"…" The Head Subjugglator said nothing and continued to appraise the Orphaner. He still liked that title. That netted him an extra +10 points. He had questionable fashion taste, but he seemed to like purple. Purple was a nice colour, it was good for painting. Hmm. Was that a negative quality or a positive quality?

"… Highblood?" He said quietly, trying to see if he was about to die or not. The Highblood blinked. Oh right. He had finished speaking. "… A Joke." Yes, a brilliant idea. He hadn't really decided whether he was going to kill Orphaner yet, a joke would do nicely. "Grand Highblood, I must insist this is a serious matter and should be,"

"TELL ME ONE!" The Highblood said simply, staring down at him. "I've been incredibly bored lately, everything is just so serious. A JOKE, ORPHANER, OR YOUR HEAD!"

That got his attention. "Wwell, um, uh, wwhy did the Legisclerator cross the road?" The Highblood leaned back in his chair, his face deceptively tranquil. This was one he hadn't heard before. That had promise. +25 points.

"… Go on." He said simply, tapping his finger against the chair.

"To hunt that cobaltblooded bitch Mindfang." The Grand Highblood was silent, his face completely calm. "… I will grant your request." He said smoothly, gesturing for one of his many Subjugglator's to come forward. "Neophyte Redglare will hunt her down and bring her to justice. I think you'll like her, she is quite the prodigy. Give her a few more sweeps, and she'll be a star on the Courtblock. Even his Tyranny has taken a shining to her." He said calmly, rising from his chair.

"Oh… thank you Grand Highblood." The tall troll cracked his knuckles.

"Oh no, Orphaner. Don't thank me just yet. That was possibly the saddest attempt at humour I have ever seen." The infamous Dualscar felt fear grip his arterial blood mover.

"Wwhat?" The Grand Highblood nodded sagely, as his fellow Subjugglator's chuckled cruelly. "Oh yes. Simply atrocious." He advanced forward slowly.

"If I didn't enjoy saying your name so much, Orphaner, I probably wouldn't have even bothered taking down the Marquise." He gripped the nautical aristocrat by his neck, and dashed to a wall, slamming him into it roughly. "Orphaner. Quite a lovely title, don't you think, boys and girls?" The Subjugglator's began to laugh and howl. The Orphaner tried to speak but the taller troll just slammed him into the wall again. "It's a shame, really. But that joke was just _miraculously bad._ Absolutely terrible." He slammed the Orphaner against the wall again.

"I've heard a lot of terrible jokes in my time, Orphaner." He grabbed a hammer from his Strife Specibi. "I remember the one Darkleer tried to use to get out of his punishment. That was a good one." He crushed Dualscar's knee. "How did it go again? Something about grubsauce and peanut butter. Priceless. That's why he's still alive Orphaner." He smashed the other knee and dropped the hammer.

"The Sufferer had no sense of humour though. It's a shame I didn't get to use his blood though. Red, like candy apples. Can you believe that?" He drew a knife out and shoved it into Dualscar's stomach. "I didn't want to kill him either, though. Interesting fellow, really. Charming, even. Not humorous at all, but I could see myself just talking with him. Being Moirails even." He stabbed the violet-blooded troll again. "Why is it, the higher the caste, the less the sense of humour?" He wondered idly, gripping his chin tightly. "We Subjugglator's are hilarious. Some of the tealblood's know how to joke. But the best jokes are always from the Chocolate blooded ones, or even the rustbloods. Can you remember that one fellow? Absolute cracker. 'No, my Lusii is a fairy. Yes it's a bloody lizard.' Hah." He studied the Orphaner's face. It didn't look like he was laughing. "Had to be there I guess." He dislocated the troll's jaw almost off-handedly.

"But, you are none of those people and your only real redeeming quality is how lovely your title is. Orphaner. Why, I could say it all day. But I don't have all day, so I'll say it one last time." He released Orphaner and reared his hand back, a club forming in it. "Goodbye, Orphaner Dualscar. May you find Laughter in the hands of the Mirthful Messiahs." He slammed the club into Orphaner's head, crushing it against the wall and leaving a large, purple stain. "Ah. Such a lovely addition." He tossed the club away almost casually and sauntered back to his chair as a pair of Subjugglator's moved to remove the body.

"The trial should prove a most interesting debacle… now… SOMEBODY GET ME A FUCKING FAYGO!" He roared, sinking into his chair.

Justice was tiring. People were boring. He missed Nitram's sense of humour. Now _there_ was a joker.

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A\N: As always, read and review if you would be so kind.

I really enjoy the idea that the Grand Highblood comes off mainly as this sophisticated, erudite gentleman, who speaks in a kind of well-educated manner, as he threatens to murder you and paint the walls with your blood. A sort of Affably Evil Cloudcuckoolander.


End file.
